Sunday, March 4, 2012

Actium Maximus Ruined My Life

Quick - Name the worst movie ever made! If you didn't say Actium Maximum, you're wrong. But be glad you've never seen this stinker because after you watch it nothing will ever be right again.

I blame my friend Bill. He's the reason why I watched Actium Maximus. No, he didn't tell me to watch it. In fact, he warned me to stay away from it! But he KEPT talking about it and it made me curious. How bad could it be? Now I understand. God help me, I understand. I think I may rename this blog the Actium Maximus Syndrome Diaries to document the trauma that has been done to me by this film. I'm fairly certain that my life will be divided into two timeperiods - BAM and AAM.

I'm not sure I'm capable of describing exactly how bad this film is. Basically, if you wrote down a complete list of the fundamental qualities of cinema, this film has none of them. And I mean NONE. The dialogue is incomprehensible. The plot is gibberish. Special effects are "special" in a whole new way. Shots are out of focus. Even the subtitles (even though it's an English film it still had English subtitles) don't really help because the film is riddled with names that look as if the director/writer/actor Mark Hicks just pounded out random letters on a keyboard. Like this: Fjdhgifnke
So thanks, Actium Maximus, for ruining my life. I'll never be the same again. But I do agree with Bill - no matter what film I see from now on, I'll always be able to say that it was better than Actium Maximus.

I've kinda got you curious to see this movie now, don't it? Resist! Resist! For the love of God, resist! Learn from my mistake! DO NOT SEE THIS FILM!

1LR Review - 1 out of 20! It's a Critical Fumble! (The first 1LR Critical Fumble!)

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