Monday, January 2, 2012

Who Would Win: Han Solo Vs. Indiana Jones

Harrison Ford famously brought to life two iconic characters on the silver screen: Han Solo and Indiana Jones. Both are beloved by fans and some may see many similarities between the two. Fans may even argue that Han Solo was the soul of the original Star Wars films. But, today we ask a question that I've never seen asked before: If Han Solo and Indiana Jones were to meet and fight one another, who would win?

Please note, for the purposes of this contest we're assuming that Han somehow makes his way to 1930's Earth. We're stripping Han Solo of the Millennium Falcon and sidekick Chewbacca. Likewise, Indie will not have any of his various assistants. Both men will be given their standard gear they carry - a blaster for Han, a whip and six shooter for Indie. Both men are after the same priceless artifact, Han to sell it for profit, Indie to collect it for a museum.

First, let's look at the contestants:

Han Solo
According to Wookieepedia, the essential online tome of all things Star Wars, Han Solo is a 1.8 meters tall human male. An orphan, Han learned survival the hard way on the streets. He eventually received military training as a pilot. Over the years he's been in many a physical scrap. Despite what the Special Editions would have you believe, Han doesn't hesitate to fight dirty and shoot first when his fat is in the fire. He's a fair shot with his blaster pistol and has a keen tactical mind.
Henry Walton "Indiana" Jones, Jr. Ph.D.
Physically, Indiana Jones is a nearly exact match for Han Solo. His early years were one adventure after another as he traveled the globe with his parents. Indy received formal combat training when he joined the Belgian army during World War I. As a part of his adventuring career Indy overcomes tremendous odds by using his ingenuity and tenacious will. In physical combat Indy uses his superior intellect and perseverance to overcome his opponent.
Indy and Han enter the large underground tomb from opposite sides at the same moment. In an instant, they both see one another and their goal - the priceless statuette. Not expecting company, Han's first instinct is to lay down a little cover fire as he retreats. Indiana has studied the map of this room well and, suspecting that Han is a Nazi agent, pulls a nearby lever, dropping gates that block all exits to stop Nazi reinforcements from entering and also blocking Han's escape. Han quickly ducks behind a statue and, assuming that Indy is a bounty hunter, yells out, "Tell Jabba the Hut that I'll have the money I own his just as soon as I sell that artifact!" Not understanding, Indiana yells back, "I'll be taking it with me, if  you don't mind! Jabba the Hun will have to do without his prize!"

The two strategically move around the room from cover to cover. Han fires several times but doesn't hit."The Nazis have unlocked advanced technology!" Indiana thinks about Han's blaster pistol. Han, realizing that the close quarters crowded with pillars and statues doesn't work well with his blaster, hides in a shadowy alcove and waits for Indy to pass by. Pressing his blaster into Indy's back, Han smiles and says, "Gotcha! Don't make any fast moves!" Han reaches to take Indy's pistol but just as Han looks down to see where Indy's weapon is, Indy observes his distracted opponent in the shiny surface of the golden statuette and throws a mighty blow into Han's gut causing him to lose his blaster. Quickly recovering, Han tackles Indiana Jones and the two roll across the floor. Han gains the upper hand, pinning Indy down and landing several vicious blows. It looks hopeless until Indy throws a handful of tomb sand and dust into Han's face and bucks him off.

Indiana Jones quickly whips the statuette off its perch and quickly puts it in his satchel.  Immediately the tiles of the floor begin to fall away into a vast nothingness. Indiana whips a hanging lantern and swings for the exit but Han, who is quickly regaining his sight from the dust, picks up and fires his blaster, narrowly missing Indiana but cutting the strap on his satchel. Han deftly snatches the statuette from the air as his begins to climb the walls toward a ledge high above where he now sees another exit. Indiana Jones sees this and swings around on his whip, knocking Han from the wall with both feet. Han tumbles into the abyss, seemingly forever lost, and Indy watches helplessly as the statuette is caught on a ledge far below him and covered with the debris raining down. Indiana Jones climbs out of the tomb alive, victorious over his adversary but without his prize.

And the winner is.... Indiana Jones! Disagree? Let me know how YOU think this epic fight would go!

1 comment:

  1. While it was believable up to a point, the ending fell flat. Less you forget the one important rule regarding Indy, he NEVER gets the object. He didn't get the Ark, nor the Incan Statue at the beginning, he didn't return with the Holy Grail or the Crystal Skull. Might as well had Han falling into the bottomless pit clutching the statue screaming "My Precious."